


99¢ dreams

by thereisnoreality



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love, inspired by renjun's fools cover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25591954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thereisnoreality/pseuds/thereisnoreality
Summary: Renjun takes another breath as the countdown hits 10. "I'm in love with my best friend, and he got engaged to someone else today."There's a momentary pause. The clock ticks4, 3, 2..."Man," Jeno sighs. "That fucking sucks."Yeah," Renjun says. The crosswalk light turns back to red - the bright hand popping back up, an unyielding barrier.Time's up."Yeah, it really fucking does."
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 109
Kudos: 416





	99¢ dreams

**Author's Note:**

> i am sad as FUCK and its all renjun and folklore's fault

Breathing is supposed to be the one thing that comes easily, that comes without having to think about. It's the one thing your body your body is _supposed_ to do automatically.

Unfortunately for Renjun, his body did _not_ seem to get the fucking message.

A motorbike swerves around the corner, too close to the curb, Renjun is crouched on and nearly hits him. Angry yells are tossed back at him, and when Renjun manages to peek through his bangs, he sees a middle finger thrown back up at him before the bike swerves around another corner and disappears.

He shoves his head back between his knees and tries to remember exactly how breathing should fucking _work_.

"Hey," a voice sounds beside him. "Hey, man, are you okay?"

Renjun chokes on a laugh, and promptly starts coughing, heaving for air. It feels like his lungs are caving in on themselves, crumpling like wet paper-mache, and he doesn't remember exactly how to breathe and this stranger has the absolute audacity to ask him if he's _okay_?

"No," Renjun gasps, digging his nails into his knees. He's already bleeding, palm scraped after he'd tripped over a crack in the sidewalk, his knees are badly bruised but the pain helps ground him. Helps- "I can't _breathe_."

"Fuck," the stranger says and there's a thud as something heavy lands on the pavement and then there's a palm landing on the curve of his spine, forcing him further down, and another hand tilts his chin up a little. "Okay, okay, shit - you're not choking on anything are you?"

Renjun shakes his head, as little as he can without dislodging the guy's hand.

"Okay, just hyperventilating then, that's cool, we can work with that," the guy mutters and if Renjun wasn't bent over a nasty sidewalk with his head shoved between his knees, he would laugh. 

"Can you mimic my breathing?" He asks and then takes long, slow, deep breaths. Exaggerated and loud enough that Renjun can hear him. His hand is rubbing in slow counter clockwise circles on Renjun's back, the same tempo as his breathing. His other hand remains on Renjun's chin, keeping his head tilted up, probably to keep his airway clear, Renjun supposes. “Keep it slow, don’t try to force it.”

Stupidly, it works. Stupidly, Renjun feels his lungs kicking back into gear, feels his hands unclench, feels oxygen flow back into his system without red tinged panic surrounding it.

"Keep going," the stranger says, noticing when Renjun tries to pick his head up. "Just - keep going. Slowly, so you don't start hyperventilating again." He starts to count, the inhales and the exhales, his hand still smoothing over Renjun’s back in slow circles. 

Renjun nods as best as he can - he doesn't trust himself to talk just yet - and keeps his head down, keeps breathing. 

The world finally starts to sharpen back into view. The breath finally starts to come easier. Finally, _finally_ , Renjun manages to sit up straight, clutching his knees for balance as he does so.

He blinks out whatever tears have welled up in his vision, irritated that they slide down his cheeks. and looks out at the empty street. The stranger’s hand falls away and Renjun remembers how to breathe.

Renjun can feel his rib cage expand with the first deep inhale he manages to take sitting upright and with it, comes a painfully sharp well of shame. Jesus fucking _christ_. He can’t believe started crying in front of a stranger in the middle of the sidewalk at eleven past too-fucking-late at night.

"Are you okay?" The stranger asks carefully and when Renjun looks at him, his eyes are wide and full of concern.

"I'm an _adult_ ," Renjun blurts in a surprisingly hoarse voice. His throat burns.

"Uh," the stranger says tentatively. "Congrats?"

Renjun laughs, a short, acrid sound that aches coming up, tearing at his sore insides. "I'm a goddamn adult," he says again, glaring down at the cracked gravel. "I should be at home, meal prepping or paying my fucking taxes. I should _not_ be hyperventilating on a fucking sidewalk like some teenager in a shitty made-for-TV movie."

The stranger relaxes, probably glad he hasn't decided to help a crazy person - Renjun would tell him to hold out for the jury on that one though - and laughs a little. It sounds a lot nicer than whatever bitter mess Renjun's body is summoning up. "It happens to the best of us," he says lightly and holds out a water bottle. "Drink that, it'll help."

Renjun takes it. The water is cool, soothing the sore burning in his throat. "Thank you," he says, glad when his voice comes out sounding slightly less like Freddy Krueger.

"'S cool, man," The guy shrugs, tucking the bottle back into what looks like a gym bag. It has a sticker of a white cartoon cat on it. He rotates around so he's sitting in the same position as Renjun, and crosses his arms over his bent knees, tipping his head to grin at Renjun. His eyes crinkle up. "It's just water."

Renjun rolls his eyes. "I meant for making sure I didn't pass out on the street. Thanks for that."

"Ah," the stranger blushes and his feet shift. He's wearing crew socks, for fucks sake. Ratty tennis shoes and leggings under gym shorts. "You're welcome. It wasn't that big of a deal."

"It was," Renjun says, tearing his gaze away from the poor choice of sock wear and up to the stranger's face, hoping his gaze doesn't look too judgmental. "Really - thanks."

The stranger smiles. "Anytime." He holds out a hand for Renjun to shake. "I'm Jeno. I'm an adult too and I haven’t done my taxes yet either, if that helps.”

Despite himself, Renjun laughs. "Nice to meet you, Jeno," he says, taking his hand. Jeno's tank sleeve dips a little wider in the movement and Renjun deliberately keeps his eyes on Jeno's face. "I'm Renjun."

"So, since we've shared water, and exchanged names, I guess you won't mind me asking what's wrong?" Jeno asks and, going by the strong blush that catapults over his cheekbones and nose, it's not an easy ask. Renjun appreciates a little audacity though, especially tonight. It’s a welcome change.

He takes a deep breath and lets his shoulders slump. "I guess I should tell you, since you did save my life and all."

"I wouldn't go that far," Jeno mumbles but Renjun doesn't take it into account, doesn’t really register it, frankly. He stares out at the street, at the sidewalk across the road from them, the brightly lit convenience store just above it, fluorescent lights signs flashing brightly, announcing that they had BEER! COLD! ICY! as well as FRESH PZZA with the I black and unresponsive.

This side of the street seems so dark in comparison, the shadows pressing down on the wings of Renjun's shoulder blades, making him hunch up on himself. As if that would stop the truth from hitting him any harder. As if that would make reality any easier to face.

"I'm in love with my best friend," he says and the words sound magnified all of a sudden, louder than any of the previous conversation they had held, echoing through the empty night, bouncing off the streetlights, and off the white paint in the road. Renjun’s never said that out loud before. It sounds odd, unrehearsed. Too truthful for the oil slick streets, for the raucous laughter sounding in the distance, for the cover of the stars practically hidden, outshone, by the bright lights of the city.

The crosswalk on the other side lights up, a little green man flashing, the timer on the top right hand corner blinking down, a countdown, a question, a challenge. _How quick can you run?_

Renjun takes another breath as the countdown hits 10. "I'm in love with my best friend, and he got engaged to someone else today."

There's a momentary pause. The clock ticks _4, 3, 2..._

"Man," Jeno sighs. "That fucking sucks.

"Yeah," Renjun says. The crosswalk light turns back to red - the bright hand popping back up, an unyielding barrier. _Time's up._ "Yeah, it really fucking does."

~

Renjun falls in love with Donghyuck on the most unassuming of days.

They're still roommates then, just fresh out of college. They’re lucky to find jobs in the same city as their university, lucky to still like each other - Renjun maybe too much - to want to continue living together.

Renjun comes back from the worst Friday any one person should ever have to face. His supervisor had been awful all day, and Renjun's umbrella had broken on the way to work and he hadn't been able to find a single bodega that had sold one _and_ he missed his train. And by the time he had made it back to his apartment - to _their_ apartment - Renjun had reached the end of his very _wet_ tether. And the end of whatever little frayed strings were hanging off that original first tether.

"Hey," Donghyuck greets from the couch, grinning up at him with ease. He looked dry, Renjun notes grumpily. Good for him. "How was work?"

"Shit," Renjun informs him, hanging up his soaking wet coat on the drying rack sitting by the shut patio door. Donghyuck had probably bought it inside when it started raining. Not for the four hundredth time, Renjun silently envies Donghyuck for being able to have a stay at home job. "I'm going to take a shower and then I'm going to bed."

Donghyuck frowns at him but doesn’t say anything as Renjun stalks past him to the bathroom, anticipating the single, blissful moment when hot water would hit him, without any of his clothes stuck to his skin.

After his shower, Renjun goes straight to his room, drawing the curtains tightly to block out the rain and the lightning flashing across the sky. His head had started to pound something fierce and while Renjun's aware he probably needs food or water, all he wanted to do right then and there was pass out.

Unfortunately for him, his brain does not seem to get the fucking memo.

After a long while of staring fruitlessly up at the ceiling, and counting sheep in his head until he had counted enough sheep to fill several farms, Renjun sits up and turns his lamp on.

He can’t sleep, but wallowing in his bed seems to be a whole another level of pathetic. Just as Renjun starts to entertain the idea of dragging himself out of bed and into the kitchen to see what he could scrounge up, a soft knocked sounds on his bedroom door.

"Hey," Donghyuck says, peeking his head carefully around the crack once Renjun calls to let him know he could come in. "I saw your light was on."

"What's up?" Renjun asks and Donghyuck swings the door open wider to reveal a bag of takeout from Renjun's favourite place.

"I got food," he says with a smile and holds up his other hand. "And booze. And company if you’re up for it.”

Renjun stares at him. "I could kiss you," he says finally and Donghyuck laughs, a bright full sound and bounds in, shutting the door behind him. If only Donghyuck knew how true that was. If only he knew how much Renjun meant it.

"Scoot over," he says cheerfully. "I have chopsticks, I have napkins. You get your laptop and we are set for the rest of the night."

Renjun helps Donghyuck set everything up and then they spend the rest of the night eating delicious food and watching a dramatic old Chinese movie that Renjun mouths along to and Donghyuck graciously doesn’t tease him about when he gets a little teary-eyed at the end.

“Are you feeling better?” Donghyuck asks as the movie winds down and Renjun cues up the next one. Their food is almost finished, the booze right behind it and when Renjun looks back at him, twisting around so he can see Donghyuck’s face clearly, his breath stuttering halfway out of his chest. Donghyuck’s cheeks are flushed bright pink and his hair is sticking up all over his head with the friction from Renjun’s pillow, and his smile is so pretty, the ache that wells up in Renjun - to lean over and kiss him, to place his hand on Donghyuck’s apple warm cheek and press his lips to the curve of Donghyuck’s upturned mouth - is so strong it _aches,_ furious and unfairly. 

Renjun opens his mouth. “I-”

_I love you_.

_Donghyuck, I love you._

_Donghyuck, do you know I love you? Do you know I’ve liked you since the first day we met? Not the first day - not exactly. You drove me crazy for the first month and a half and then somehow along the way I realised that I never wanted to stop making you laugh and I never wanted to stop seeing you smile and I wanted to be around you every single second of every single day because it wasn’t my blood pressure you were affecting, it was my stupid heart. You made my heart race just by_ being _there._

_Donghyuck, I love you so much I can’t breathe sometimes._

_Donghyuck -_

“I’m feeling so much better,” Renjun says and it feels like he is swallowing a mouthful of razors that have spent three years trying to climb out. Feels like he’s slicing his mouth and his throat back open again, just after they’ve barely healed and he’s choking on a mouthful of his own blood. Renjun smiles. “Thank you, Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck throws an arm around him when Renjun leans back into his spot, the opening credits for the next movie starting up. “Anytime, Jun-ah,” he says, nuzzling his head against Renjun’s. “You’re my best friend. Anytime you need me, I’ll know.”

Well. What a lie that was. 

~

Renjun experiences his first heartbreak - his first _real_ one, not the stupid teenage drama he’d gone through when his high school boyfriend had heartlessly dumped him in favour of the pretty girl who was a shoo-in to win prom queen - when Donghyuck goes on a date. 

Well, that sounds more dramatic than it should be, really, because Donghyuck goes on lots of dates, when he can find the time. He likes the feeling of a first date, likes meeting new people, like charming them; it comes so effortlessly to him, after all.

“It’s like a new kind of energy,” Donghyuck told him once, before a different first date, while buttoning up his shirt. “I get all nervous and excited and it’s like a different kind of adrenaline rush.”

Renjun had looked at him flatly. “You sound like a junkie.”

“No,” Donghyuck had laughed, his eyes glimmering with amusement as he looked at Renjun in the mirror. Renjun stared back, hoping his feelings, all of his stupid, intrusive thoughts wouldn’t be writ all over his face, incriminating him in a single pink flush. “You’re just an introvert, Jun-ah.”

So Donghyuck goes on a lot of first dates; sometimes they go well, sometimes they don’t. And more often than not, Renjun is always the one to hear about it first.

This time though, the time he feels his first proper heartbreak, this time Renjun knows it’s different from the second Donghyuck walks into their apartment.

“I’m busy,” Renjun says, not looking away from the TV. 

“Yeah, you look swamped,” Donghyuck mocks, glancing at the TV where Renjun’s been watching National Geographic for a few hours now without really absorbing any of it. “Shove over.”

Renjun scoots half a centimeter over and Donghyuck squishes himself into the tiny space between Renjun’s thighs and the arm rest. “How was your date?” Renjun asks before Donghyuck can start dropping his hints that he wants Renjun to ask. He flicks the TV on mute and turns to look at Donghyuck. 

Donghyuck’s smiling at the screen. “Good,” he says quietly and then says nothing else. 

Renjun waits and then raises an eyebrow at him when nothing more follows. “Is that what you interrupted National Geographic for?” He asks flatly. “For one word?”

“You’re such an asshole,” Donghyuck says affectionately and Renjun ignores the faint bloom of warmth that blossoms at the full force of Donghyuck’s attention solely on him. 

“Go on then,” Renjun rolls his eyes. “Tell me about your date.”

“It was good,” Donghyuck says. “I like him a lot.” He turns back to the TV; there’s a pride of lions sunning themselves under a large tree. “He was funny and nice and he’s _hot_. It was a nice night.” 

Renjun watches him watch the lions and something in his chest, in the pit of his stomach, curls up on itself, like a roly poly shrinking up to avoid being harmed, to avoid hurt. If only Renjun could do the same. There’s a tiny smile playing at the corner of Donghyuck’s lips, and his eyes are shining, shimmering with a secret, with happiness. 

Renjun swallows and forces his throat clear before he speaks. “A good first date, then?”

“Third, actually,” Donghyuck says and Renjun raises his eyebrows. 

“Did I hear about this one already and forget?”

“No.” Donghyuck shakes his head. “I didn’t tell you, I could…” He smiles to himself again, fuller and wider this time, and Renjun’s heart pounds harder in response. “This one is different, Jun-ah. This is a _good_ one. I can feel it.”

It’s strange, all the multitude of emotions, and reactions one person’s body can go through at nine words. Just nine simple words. All one syllable. Such simple words; they shouldn’t have this much of an effect on anyone. But Renjun’s chest clenches tightly, and it feels like his rib cage is contracting around his heart, closing in on it, like walls in a video game slowly slamming shut leaving only a small tunnel left to run through. If it was that easy to run though, Renjun would have done so a very long time ago. The block in his throat is large. It’s a little hard to breathe all of a sudden. “Yeah?” He asks cautiously. “That good?”

Donghyuck turns to look at him and the pure happiness in his eyes takes whatever remaining air still residing in Renjun’s lungs away. “That good,” he says quietly. 

_Donghyuck, will you go on a date with_ me? 

_Donghyuck, will you ever notice_ me?

_Donghyuck, will you realise that I love you without me having to say it? Don’t we know each other like the back of our own hands? Shouldn’t you know just by looking at me that I can’t see anyone else but you?_

_Donghyuck, I love you._

Renjun swallows. Swallows it all down, pushes it all back. This is not the time. “I’m happy for you, Hyuck.” He presses his shoulder against Donghyuck’s. “I’m really happy you’re happy.”

Donghyuck tips his head onto Renjun’s shoulder and together they watch the lions chase down a deer and rip into its neck, the narrator monotonously droning on about the vicious cycle of life.

Renjun relates. 

~

The thing is, Renjun could handle all of it, all of this - falling in love with his best friend, watching him fall in love with someone else, watching him get engaged - he could have probably handled all of it so much better if he didn’t know what it was like to kiss Donghyuck. 

It wasn’t a proper kiss, not one that meant anything, not to Donghyuck anyway, but it was enough - enough that it stuck in Renjun’s mind, like brightly coloured chewing gum, glued to the inside of his brain, hanging there like a brightly coloured nuisance any time Renjun tried to move on - tried to let go. 

Because he has tried; Renjun isn't an idiot, he’s not masochistic, he knows when to give up on a lost thing. 

And this is most certainly a lost cause. 

But every single time he tries to let go… 

Donghyuck kisses Renjun at the end of their last year of college. They finish their exams and head out to the best club in town, all of their friends bundled into one taxi, already half drunk from pregaming. 

Renjun can tell from the second he steps inside the club, with its headying music and headier drinks, that tonight is going to be a night he will remember. In a good way. The place is loud and full of people and Renjun is fabulously drunk. He feels free, like he’s floating on a cloud, high above the crush of people. Tonight is going to be a good night.

“Are you just gonna sit here all night or are you gonna dance?” Donghyuck yells, slamming down two drinks on the table in front of Renjun. He throws one of them back, the electric blue liquid disappearing almost instantly, and Renjun can’t help but track the sweat clinging to his neck, watching the arch of it as he swallows. 

He takes the other shot and throws it back before bouncing up from his seat. “Of course I am!” He yells back and Donghyuck laughs, wrapping his hand around his wrist and yanking him up off his seat and into the crowd. 

The purple strobe lights flash blue, red, green, white, all of them a dizzying array of colours, of rainbows flashing over them, tinged by the endless dark of the club, bathed in the sweat and glitter that dripped off the crush of bodies. 

“We’re done,” Renjun yells and Donghyuck his head back, his answering laugh swallowed up by the music. 

“We are,” he yells back and Renjun just barely hears it. 

He lets himself go, lets the music seep into his veins, until it's thrumming through his nerves, his fingers tingling, and his mind spinning, blissfully blank, full of colour, like those teapot rides at Disney, bright and dizzying, the world blurring around him.

Time stretches and snaps around them, the night passing in a haze of dancing and drinking and more dancing and at some point Renjun drifts away from Donghyuck over to Sicheng, to Yukhei before somehow ending back up in front of Donghyuck, several levels drunker than he had been previously. 

“Hey, you,” Donghyuck greets in a yell, his hands cupping Renjun’s cheeks in greeting. 

Renjun stumbles over his feet and Donghyuck catches him around the waist, laughing at him. Renjun feels no embarrassment, not in this moment, and throws his arms around Donghyuck’s neck to gain some semblance of stability. 

“I’m drunk,” he informs Donghyuck loudly and Donghyuck’s mouth parts in a wide grin. Renjun stares at his mouth, before remembering he’s not supposed to do things like that.

“Me too,” Donghyuck says and his hand slides up Renjun’s chest, his shirt sticking to his sweaty skin in a way that’s surely not pleasant to touch, before cupping his cheek again. 

And the world fades away when Donghyuck kisses him.

Even if Renjun could have found the words then, he wouldn’t have been able to tear himself away to say it. 

_Donghyuck, I like you._

_Donghyuck, I’ve liked you for two years and I never said anything._

_Donghyuck, I dreamed about this. About you kissing me. Yeah, go ahead, laugh, it’s the truth. I dream about you all the time. About your voice and your laugh and the way you smile at me. You’ve got a really nice smile, have I ever told you that?_

_Donghyuck, don’t ever stop kissing me._

Sometimes, when Renjun is feeling particularly flagellant, he will look back and wish he had been soberer during that kiss. But how was Renjun to know then that that would be the last time he would ever feel Donghyuck's lips against his own?

How was he to know that things would go so marvelously terrible in his favour?

But all Renjun remembers, when he thinks about that memory, is just the way Donghyuck's hands had held him, so tenderly on his cheek, fingers pressing into the curve of Renjun's hip. The way he had kissed Renjun, open mouthed and uninhibited. The way the bass had pulsed into his limbs. The way Donghyuck had felt.

That's all.

That's enough, frankly.

No matter how much Renjun would like to, he doesn't need to remember more.

It's already too hard trying to let go.

~

The awful thing - the fucking maraschino cherry on top of this whole fucking awful sundae - is that Donghyuck's boyfriend is not a terrible person.

Renjun's sure in another life, in the life where it was _him_ sitting beside Donghyuck, instead of opposite him, rubbing _his_ thumb absently on the curve of Donghyuck’s hand, and smiling down at him as he chatters about the best food they all _absolutely_ had to to try - in _that_ life, Renjun's sure he would quite like Donghyuck's boyfriend. 

As it is, as none of that is true, as Renjun's the one sitting on the other side, continuously sipping his water so he doesn't have to speak much, he can't summon up anything but a faint, bile like dislike of the guy, his stomach burning like he's eaten too much spicy food, and his chest only minutes from caving in.

Renjun wonders if he can fake a heart attack to get out of this thing.

Donghyuck's boyfriend grins at him as Donghyuck tells him about Renjun's job.

"He got hired like, the summer before our last year, way before any of us even started looking for jobs," Donghyuck gushes. "Junnie's so talented - practically everyone wanted a piece of him."

"Would you have worked on anything I've seen?" His boyfriend asks. His hair slips forward, falling into his eyes and Donghyuck absently tucks it back, not even seeming to notice the action. 

Renjun forces a smile. "Not yet," he says, poking at his food, pushing it around the plate. He forces himself to meet the guy’s eyes and continues, in a leading tone. "Movies take a while to animate and produce and all that. Maybe look out for something next summer."

"Oh," the guy says, drawing the sound out, sounding properly impressed. "That's really impressive."

"Thanks," Renjun says and then says practically nothing else for the rest of the lunch.

"You like him, right?" Donghyuck asks when they leave the restaurant. His lips are glossy from where he'd been kissed, sweet and lingering, his boyfriend’s hand cradling the curve of his cheek - Renjun had averted his gaze as quickly as he could - and Renjun glances up at him before returning his eyes to the pavement, stepping deliberately on the cracks with the toe of his shoes.

What else was the universe going to throw at him at this point?

"Does it matter?" Renjun asks before quickly adding on, with a tiny smirk. "You certainly seem to."

"Shut up," Donghyuck lightly shoves him, blushing high to the tops of his cheeks. It's mesmerizing. Renjun wishes he was allowed to stare. "Of course it matters. You're my best friend, if you think he's an asshole, then he probably is, deep down. You've got magic best friend powers." He waggles his fingers in Renjun's face and Renjun laughs, despite himself, and pushes his hands away.

"And you probably wouldn't listen to me anyway, until he did something super assholey and only _then_ would you break up with him. And I'd have to spend the whole night listening to you moan and bitch about him." He throws Donghyuck a narrow-eyed look. "And I wouldn't even be able to tell you 'I told you so.'"

Donghyuck snickers. "That's probably true." Then, he looks at Renjun anxiously. "You didn't think that though, did you?"

They come to a slow stop on the sidewalk, facing each other and Renjun looks at him. Really looks at Donghyuck, in a way he rarely lets himself do. Consider the slope of his eyebrows, the pretty arch of his lips, the way his bottom lip is tucked under pearly teeth. The way he's looking at Renjun, anticipating, waiting. 

Renjun wonders if this is what Donghyuck looks like when he's about to be kissed. It sends a bolt of lightning straight through him - jolts him awake, pulls him back to the present.

He could tell Donghyuck he doesn't like his boyfriend. They'd probably fight about it - that was always a given with them - but in the end, Renjun would plant the seed. And Donghyuck would start finding cracks in the previously perfect glass. And Renjun would have him all to himself again. 

And he would have the chance to say something. To say anything. To say- 

"He's great," Renjun says honestly, even though it feels like he's speaking through a mouthful of broken glass all over again. "He really seems to like you, Hyuck."

The way relief spills over Donghyuck is like watching rain water slick down a stained glass window; bringing the colours into strong relief, spreading fragments of rainbows all over his skin. He’s beautiful. Renjun blinks and then looks behind him to the vintage shop they’re standing in front of. The sign glows, _99¢ Dreams,_ it claims, in a bright neon red. 

Renjun dreams about Donghyuck all the time. Is that only worth 99 cents? Maybe it is. He never speaks them aloud; maybe that’s all he’s going to get in this life. Maybe that’s the price of his cowardice. 

"He does, doesn't he?" Donghyuck asks, a cheeky smile curling up in place and Renjun’s attention is shot back to him, swerving like a car on the highway, at a breakneck speed, pulled back to Donghyuck, like a magnet to its other half. Donghyuck tosses his head. "He's so lucky to have me."

Renjun rolls his eyes even as Donghyuck breaks into laughter and starts bouncing back down the street. "Keep talking like that and he's going to break up with you when your head swells too big to fit through doors anymore."

"I'm a fucking gift," Donghyuck crows back, but he pauses at the street corner to let Renjun catch up with him, grinning back at him, even as the crosswalk ticks down, threatening to flash back to red.

Renjun walks toward him slowly, shoving his hands in pockets. Takes his time.

_Donghyuck, don't date him._

_Donghyuck, I lied, I hate him._

_Donghyuck, I don't want you to kiss anyone but me. The last time you kissed me still hasn’t left my mind, it still makes me breathless. You still take my breath away. It was years ago and I still think about it sometimes._

_Donghyuck, kiss me again._

_Donghyuck, I love you._

"Come on, you turtle," Donghyuck calls impatiently, bouncing up and down on his toes as the wind whips around them, fluffing his hair up.

"Don't call me a fucking turtle," Renjun calls back and Donghyuck laughs.

He looks brighter than the sun.

Renjun wishes he could look away.

~

Donghyuck moves in with his boyfriend a year and a half after they start dating. Or after the third date anyway - that's the date Renjun has emblazoned in the front of his mind.

He apologises half a million times to Renjun for leaving him but Renjun shuts him down quickly. He doesn't want to be reminded any more than he already is. Besides, Donghyuck had already found someone to take over his room for him, so its not as if he has anything to apologise for.

Renjun helps him move out. It's easier to focus on the logistics of shoving ten boxes into the back of Donghyuck's boyfriend's truck rather than the empty spaces left behind by those items in their - in _his_ \- apartment.

But then, like all things, the day comes to an end, and Renjun's left standing there, shivering in the cool night on the curb, with the last of Donghyuck's things packed into the truck.

Donghyuck hops down from the truck bed, wrapped up in a large puffy coat that looks like his boyfriend's, going by the way it swallows him up. His cheeks are bright red from the sharp wind. "I think we got it all," he says cheerfully, shoving his hands into his pockets. "If you find anything of mine, don't throw it out."

"I make no promises," Renjun says and even though his tone sounds flat to his own ears, Donghyuck smiles at him, stepping closer. He steps up onto the curb, right into Renjun's space.

"I'm going to miss you, Jun-ah," Donghyuck says softly, apropos of nothing.

"I'm not," Renjun says, even though his throat starts to hurt from the block building up in it. His eyes burn and Renjun swallows hard, forcing any hint of tears back before they had a chance to flower. "I've had to put up with your sorry ass for too many years. Good riddance."

Donghyuck huffs a soft laugh and he pulls his hands from his pockets to wrap his arms around Renjun, tugging him into a hug. Renjun doesn't hesitate to hug him back, burying his face in the curve of Donghyuck's neck for four seconds, not a moment longer, before stepping back.

"Don't be a shit roommate to your boyfriend too," Renjun tells him. His voice hurts coming out.

"I'm a great roommate," Donghyuck sniffs. "You're going to be sad when I'm gone."

Renjun opens his mouth.

_Donghyuck, don't go with him._

_Donghyuck, stay with me, I'll take care of you so much better than he could. I’ll love you a thousand times more than he could._

_Donghyuck, don't leave me behind. We haven't lived apart in six years. What am I supposed to do without you around every day? Who's going to pull me out of my moods when I hate my boss? Who in the world is going to know me as well as you do? You can't leave me, not like this._

_Donghyuck, I love you._

"Yes," Renjun admits, softer than he would like. "I will."

Donghyuck's eyes shine down at him and his smile goes soft, warm and fond all around the edges. Renjun feels like he’s being bathed in caramel - the hot burning liquid slipping down his spine, stripping away the skin, yet he’s still being covered in sugar. "I'll miss you," Donghyuck repeats and he leans down to hug Renjun once more, so brief, that Renjun doesn't even have time to drink it in, to savour this one last moment, before he's stepping back, stepping off the curb and onto the street.

"Travel safe," Renjun says, stepping back, away from the edge of the curb and onto steadier ground, so he doesn't tip over, tip off the edge of the cliff, fall and fall - fall _more_ than he's been falling. "Text me when you get h- get there."

Donghyuck shoots him one last smile and then he's pulling himself back up into the passenger seat of the truck. Renjun waits until they pull away, until he sees Donghyuck's hand wave back at him, until he sees Donghyuck leave, before he turns around, his heart falling and falling until it shatters onto the cold pavement behind him. Broken red crystal and trickles of blood soaking into the miniscule cracks in the pavement; the last remnants of Renjun’s first love.

Renjun doesn't look back.

~

Renjun doesn't expect it.

Maybe he should have.

He definitely should have.

Donghyuck comes over for dinner a few months later. Renjun's roommate is out for the night, having disappeared with a shout of Renjun's name.

"How is he?" Donghyuck asks of Renjun's new roommate.

"Insane," Renjun says flatly. "He's absolutely insane."

That's the only word to describe Jaemin. He's loud and so weirdly affectionate towards Renjun despite only having known him for a few months. But he cooks a lot of the time and is always manically cheerful and he's a good distraction when Renjun's mind threatens to overwhelm him.

Donghyuck laughs, tucking his feet up under his legs. "Jaemin's just... High spirited."

"He's _loud._ "

Donghyuck grins, cheerfully. "He's a good roommate though, right?"

"Yeah," Renjun says. 

A fortnight ago, he'd come home to find the living room completely overturned and upended, blankets thrown everywhere and Girls Generation playing muffled and loud through the mess of pillows and blankets.

"What the fuck is this?" Renjun had demanded. "What have you done to the apartment?"

Jaemin's head popped up from the corner by the television. "This is a blanket fort," he said cheerfully. "Go change - there are no nasty work clothes allowed here."

"Jaemin," Renjun said flatly. "We are twenty six years old."

"Does that mean we are no longer allowed to have fun?" Jaemin demanded in an affronted tone. "Go change. This is a blanket fort night. No exceptions.”

Renjun stared at him and Jaemin stared back.

"Fine," Renjun sighed and stalked away to his room. 

"How's domestic life?" Renjun asks, turning his attention back to Donghyuck.

Donghyuck bites his lower lip and a flush steals over his cheeks. "Funny you should mention that actually," he says quietly and then he pulls his hand out from under his thigh. "Um - he proposed. Yesterday."

Renjun stares at him. "He proposed?" He asks, voice soft, the words tapering off into a soundless end, the period vanishing into a wisp of nothing before it can be heard. "You're engaged?"

Donghyuck's smile lights up the room and simultaneously, in one fell swoop, with a sledgehammer takes out the last pieces of Renjun's heart that he'd managed to hold together with tape and glue all these years, that he’d plucked from the cold pavement and cradled in his bleeding fingers. Takes it all out in one second - a second that seems to stretch out for infinity. "I'm engaged," Donghyuck whispers and it takes everything in Renjun, every single atom in him to lean forward and hug Donghyuck tightly.

"God, Donghyuck," he says, in a hushed tone, pressing his cheek against Donghyuck’s. His skin burns at the touch. "That's so amazing. I'm so, so _happy_ for you."

Donghyuck clutches him just as tightly back. "Thank you," he says. He pulls back and he's smiling brightly when Renjun meets his gaze. "He makes me so happy, Jun-ah."

"Just as he should," Renjun says, as firmly as he can. He smiles and it feels like his ribs are cracking apart, shattering into shards of bone and dust. "God, Donghyuck. You're getting _married_."

"I am," Donghyuck says, sounding just as disbelieving, as if it hadn’t occurred to him just yet. His happiness is a beautiful thing, blowing up like a iridescent bubble and god help him, but Renjun feels suffocated by it when it threatens to surround him. He feels like the worst friend in the whole goddamn world.

It’s all he can do to smile.

The night passes in a blur after that. Renjun knows Donghyuck well enough to manage to keep up a steady conversation with him without giving anything away. And, for his part, Donghyuck is too distracted by his own happiness to notice anything off with Renjun.

Renjun just manages to cling onto the last piece of his composure as he opens the door for Donghyuck.

"I'll see you in a couple of weeks?" Donghyuck asks, as he pulls on his coat, casting Renjun a bright smile. He looks so content now, settled into his own skin and Renjun can see both sides of him, settling into the same person, like a mirage floating atop of pavement. The old Donghyuck, the one he'd known when they first met, all the way back in college and the new one, the _engaged_ Donghyuck, all grown up and happy.

Renjun aches for him.

_Donghyuck, you got engaged and it wasn't to me._

_Donghyuck, you fall asleep next to someone every night and it isn't me._

_Donghyuck, I never told you I love you. I wish I had. Then I wouldn't be standing here rethinking all of my choices, wishing I had been braver, wishing I had you._

_Donghyuck, I love_ _you_.

_Donghyuck, can you hear me? I_ love _you._

"Yeah," he says, softly. "I'm really happy for you, Hyuck."

Donghyuck casts him a last, sweet smile before he walks away, coat swishing behind him as he turns the corner.

Renjun closes his eyes and shuts the front door. He counts to one hundred, slowly and carefully, measuring the space between the numbers with the hard pounding of his heartbeat, ricocheting up into his ears, making the world fall away, go blurry, go dim at the edges, go dark.

Then he opens the door and walks into the cold night, his breath coming fast and hard. The stores and sounds and street lights all blur around him. He walks blindly, his head ducked down, his lungs constricting tightly.

Until it gets to be too much and Renjun ends up hunched over a curb, his breath hitching, sticking in his chest, like saltwater taffy, pulling his sides in. The world crushes in on him and Renjun chokes on a sob.

He can't _breathe._

~

Renjun's fiddling with his phone, adjusting his tight tie with the other, grimacing as it digs into his neck when someone runs up to him.

"Renjun!" Renjun looks up to find Mark panting in front of him, eyes wide. 

“What?” Renjun asks. Perhaps he should feel something at the look of panic on Mark’s face but Renjun’s spent the last several months feeling _everything,_ too intensely. He feels wrung out, like an old dishtowel drained of all water. Squeezed out and lifeless. “Why do you look like a such a mess?”

“Donghyuck’s freaking out,” Mark whisper hisses, ducking his head so the couple passing by them towards the main hall don’t hear him. “You have to go talk to him.”

Renjun sighs. “Fine,” he says and glances down at his phone as a text comes in. It’s from Jeno, a simple _don’t forget to breathe._ Renjun resists the urge to send back a middle finger before locking his phone and following Mark up the hallway and onto the second floor. 

He’s been in Donghyuck’s room practically the whole day already, exchanging pleasant conversation with his parents and his sister as if the whole world wasn’t caving in around him, gilded in glitter and gold. He’d only left to take a break. Get some fresh air. Remember to breathe.

But it was Donghyuck’s day. 

“You’re such a drama queen,” Renjun tells him, shutting the door behind him as he enters Donghyuck’s room. 

Donghyuck spins around, eyes wide, fiddling with his tie and blurts, “Renjun, I can’t do this. I don’t know if I can do this.”

Renjun stares at him, not entirely comprehending the words. They’re the right words - in the right order - they’re the _best_ words but - but the _tone_ is wrong. They’re not sincere words, just born out of a moment of panic and insecurity. 

And Renjun knows what he can do and what he should do. 

He’s Donghyuck’s closest friend, he’s the one that knows him best. He could tell Donghyuck to run, could be the one driving the getaway car, watch the wedding vanish into a blurry nightmare in the rearview mirror, could take Donghyuck’s hand and run away. 

But Renjun’s been in love with Donghyuck for far too long to do anything, to say anything, that would make him unhappy. 

So he does what he should do. He steps forward and takes ahold of Donghyuck’s shoulders, gripping tight. 

“You can,” he says quietly. “Donghyuck, you love him, don’t you?” And while it feels like he’s cutting his own tendons, slitting his own ankles so Donghyuck can be the one to keep running, he keeps going. At Donghyuck’s shaky nod, he continues. “You’ve loved him for so long and this wedding, this is nothing more than that. You’re just going to keep loving him, and that’s the easy part. That’s it. Whatever else you’re worrying about, all of that doesn’t matter. Right? Because you love him.”

Donghyuck bites his lip and he looks so desperately overwhelmed that Renjun fights the urge to cradle his cheeks, to hug him tightly, to never let go. “I do,” he whispers and then repeats, in a stronger voice. “I do. I love him.”

“And that’s all that matters,” Renjun says. “You can do this. I know you can.”

Donghyuck takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. Neither of them acknowledge the way it shudders around the end, rounding out the long thin stream. Donghyuck closes his eyes and Renjun lets his hands slip from his shoulders but before he can get very far, Donghyuck’s hand closes around his right one, holding him there. 

Renjun stays. Where else would he go? 

“Okay,” Donghyuck says, opening his eyes. The confidence shimmers in his gaze and he stands taller, shoulders broad and ready. “Okay, I’m ready.”

“Okay,” Renjun says. 

He makes to step away again, to open the door and follow Donghyuck through, follow until he can’t follow anymore but Donghyuck holds him steadfast. “I love you, Jun-ah,” he says quietly, looking Renjun straight in the eyes and clutching his hand. “Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being here.”

The countdown timer flashes at the forefront of his mind, neon red number flicking down faster than he can catalogue them. _10, 9, 8… Time’s running up._

_Last chance._

Renjun hesitates. 

_Donghyuck, I’ll always be here._

_Donghyuck, I love you. I love you so much I can’t breathe when I think about you. You're my best friend, you know me better than anyone else in this world does. I love you more than I imagined I ever could, and I was prepared to love you quite a lot._

_Donghyuck, I don’t want you to be just a 99¢ dream. I want you to be my whole life - and you already were, for so many years, but I want you to be my whole future too. I don’t want you to be_ just _a dream._

_Donghyuck, I gave my heart to you all those years ago and you still have it. You don’t even know but you still have it. You don’t even know so you can’t give it back and I don’t want you to give it back. Is that foolish of me? Am I a fool for you?_

_Donghyuck, will you love me back if I told you I love you?_

_Donghyuck, will you fall for me like I fell for you?_

_Donghyuck, I love you._

_Donghyuck, I love you._

_Donghyuck, I-_

“I love you too,” Renjun says and it comes out steady. It comes out clean. He squeezes Donghyuck’s hand and takes a step back. Renjun looks at him and smiles. “Now, let’s get you married.”

**Author's Note:**

> :]
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/_donghyuck_)   
>  [cc](https://curiouscat.me/thereisnoreality)


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